MonkeyBusinessBlog

Big Dick NEEDS No Holiday

Editor's Note--Another snappy 2-1 week for the Big Man last Sunday which gives even more reason to be festive this holiday season. But it doesn't look like he's going to stop there. Big D we might all have some champagne (and lobster) leftover on Sunday. Can we drink and eat with even more joy?!?!?--R.B.

Richie, you can never have 100% guarantees in this business. In most businesses you can't. Only in the death and tax business, you can. While everyone is gathering with family and loved ones, Big Dick has been working the midnight oil, studying. He NEEDS no holiday. Speaking of NEEDS, there are a few teams that NEED to win on Sunday. You know what Big D says to that? In these as closest to sure things as possible, thanks for the money! The teams that NEED the games are not so tough.

The GIANTs "mailed it in" last week in their last game at GIANTS stadium. That's nice. The Vikings have been "mailing it in" for the last month. The problem is they NEED this game to have a nice home field advantage and a 1st round bye in the playoffs. Noticing any problems with the QB of the Vikes? Betcha didn't know that he had his own locker room and private shower his last 3 years in Green Bay. Nice teammate huh? Think about that the next time an announcer says, "Aw Brett is having fun out there!" Tom Coughlin is an old school coach. He won't be taking too kindly to his boys laying down again. Besides the view here is Eli Manning plays MUCH better on the road than he does at home. Oh, did I mention the 9 points we are getting with the G-MEN? Yes I said 9. Take the points.

Another team that NEEDS the game and keeps NEEDING games and losing? The Denver Donkeys. How has Big Dick been doing with his KANSAS CITY CHIEF picks this year? As my good friend Isaac Hayes used to sing in the song Shaft, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaw daaaaaaaaaammmmmmmn riiiiiiiiight!" So they get 13 points to an archrival that they can punch out of the playoffs? Can you say tight game? Surely. Take the points again.

Oh how has Big D done with the RAAAAAAAAAAYDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUHSSSSS of OAKLAND this year? Refer to the above paragaph and Isaac Hayes again. Its very simple. Baltimore wins and they make the playoffs. Oh they might win. But they are laying 10 points at OAKLAND? Really? The SILVER and BLACK are going to come out with some gumption. Watch. Take the points.

Finally, in our special holiday 4 pick gift pack, we go to the night game. Its simple again here. The Jets win and they are in the playoffs. Sure the BENGALS may rest their guys but do you want to lay 10 points to watch that happen? Me neither. The underdog is now 14-1 in BENGALS games this year!! It'll be 15-1 come midnight in the east on Sunday. Oh sure the Jets will most likely win but by more than 10? Not with Big Dick's money. Take.

So the 4 team extravaganza is as such: NYG+9 @ min, KC+13 @ den, OAK+10 vs bal, and CIN+10 @ nyj. From all of us here at Big Dick's Picks we wish you and yours a very healthy and happy New Year! Good luck and god bless! 

Teenagers Get It......Homeland Security? Not So Much

Did you do what I did early Saturday evening this past weekend?  I watched the news unfold about how a young man named Umar Farouk Abdulmutalleb from Nigeria boarded a plan bound for DETROIT, with a ONE WAY ticket, paid for with CASH, with NO LUGGAGE and a seat request right in the acknowledged "DON'T LET TERRORISTS SIT IN THIS SEAT BECAUSE IT CAN BEST BLOW THE SKIN OF THE PLANE OUT AND GET TO THE ENGINES EASIEST" seat?  Oh, and his dad, a prominent Nigerian, had previously told the US embassy in Nigeria that his son had begun to associate with radical muslims and had been going on trips to lovely places like Yemen as of late.  In case you missed it, if you go to your local Al Qua-eda travel office, Yemen is now the destination of choice if you want to learn how to blow yourself and others up.  I think you get to wear one of those neat black hoods too as you learn to swing from monkey-bars and jump and roll over pylons, just like you see in those great Al Qua-eda training videos.  Those monkey bars come in handy when a 500 lb laser guided bomb finds your terrorist ass...or maybe not.

Anyway, I just saw this on my Yahoo;

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitanoconceded Monday that the aviation security system failed when a young man on a watchlist with a U.S. visa in his pocket and a powerful explosive hidden on his body was allowed to board a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.

The Obama administration has ordered investigations into the two areas of aviation security — how travelers are placed on watch lists and how passengers are screened — as critics questioned how the 23-year-old Nigerian man charged in the airliner attack was allowed to board the Dec. 25 flight.

A day after saying the system worked, Napolitano backtracked, saying her words had been taken out of context.

"Our system did not work in this instance," she said on NBC's "Today" show. "No one is happy or satisfied with that. An extensive review is under way."

Do they just find the stupidest f**king person in public life and put them in that Homeland Security post?  I think the second biggest window-licker has a choice between Secretary of Treasury or head of the SEC!

Anyway, what I immediately started thinking about was all our brave men and women in the armed forces that I saw in the airports a couple of weeks ago, many of whom are probably either coming back from or going to Afghanistan to keep us safe from terrorism.  Imagine how they feel when they are fighting in perhaps the true A-hole of the planet to get the terrorists (This is what President Obama tells them they are there for) and then a line of dopes from Lagos to Washington DC let a guy like Abulumu...whatever..."Example A" of a terrorist trying to blow up a plane..get on a freaking plane!

I think the last two or maybe three decades of economic growth and prosperity, fueled mainly on bullsh*t, not only covered up the incompetence and fraud of our financial system, but also masked (only partially of course) what a pack of boobs we have elected to lead us.  Now that they actually have to try to make things work and function, they have no idea how!  Republican? Democrat?  Seems to make no difference.  I don't blame them though, I blame myself.  I was so busy trying to get rich moving pieces of paper around I didn't do my job as a citizen.  I knew most of these folks were greedy, spineless and incompetent, I just didn't care enough to do anything about it.  Not anymore.  We have to make this country better for our kids. 

Speaking of kids, here is a great article I saw in the New York Times this weekend.  Not so good for commercial real estate and high-end retailers but that's just too bad.  This is better.  Recession? Teenagers Get It

Public Servants? Yeah. Uh-huh

I was watching the football game last night with the Cowboys and Indians, ahem, Redskins. They started talking about the bad stuff going on with Washington football and they pan to the owner's box and show Washington owner Dan Snyder. He's always got the same pose when the TV is on him. Wearing a tie and talking to some older, rich muckety-muck next to him. So my eyes drifted, because I feel like I've seen this movie far too much before, and who do I see behind Snyder stuffing his face with free food and drink? Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan! Now true, Big Al probably didn't earn much while "working for the people" as Fed Chairman (and lord knows he SHOULDN'T have), but he certainly struck gold (and silver and dollars and yen and euros, etc.) the moment he left the public sector. Big Al looks like the kind of guy who still has his first nickel too. And you get to keep those nickels by eating and drinking for free with tons of people who find it cool or interesting to have you as a guest. Oh and owner Dan Snyder? I GUARANTEE he writes a bunch of stuff that is Redskin related off on his taxes every year. But they want to raise OUR taxes right?

 

This all kind of reminded of a story when a buddy of mine was a pretty senior guy on the street and his firm had a lunch for clients which featured a speaker. That speaker was former Fed Governor Wayne Angell. Mr. Angell received a nice fee for said luncheon (and of course food and drink). So the speech and luncheon went well and when it ended my buddy had to ride out of the city for something and he said that Mr. Angell could ride with him.

 

They get in the car and my buddy says, "So Mr. Angell, that speech of yours had some interesting comments about the economy. Do you really think that's going to happen?" With that, Angell doesnt even look at him and gives him the hand like "unless you are paying me for these comments, I'm not telling you a thing". He proceeds to say NOTHING on their 1 hour ride. Now if thats not a definition of an assclown, I dont know what is.

 

So that's 2 former Fed guys that look like they really care about serving the public, no? I hope Chairman Bernanke is reading this

Can Someone Make This Stop?

I hope everyone is having a fabulous holiday season.  I have been away for a while trading for a small, yet growing relative value hedge fund.  What I have found to be truly helpful in this endeavor is my new found ability to disregard common sense, filter out all voices of reason like David Rosenberg and listen to the chattering morons on CNBC!  The recovery is underway?  Damn straight....sell the two year!  High Yield at levels tighter than pre-Lehman?  Wave it in!!  The amount of money that continues to flow into assets that no one would touch with a barge pole 7 or 8 months ago is just astounding.  Best way to get the new religion?  Get short some risk-asset class like high yield and watch it get run up your ass by 2 points in 3 days and then you will see the light.  Lord knows I have!

Anyway, the bubbles that are getting blown now are going to get a bit bigger before they blow but when they do?? As Sonny Corleone says, "Ba-bing!  All over your nice Ivy League suit!"

In the meantime however, can somebody please find whoever is responsible for the BlackBerry commercials and string them up by the short and curlies....please?

Merry Christmas to All and to All A Good Night......Or Nights!

From all of us here at monkeybusinessblog.com, we wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful time no matter what you are doing or where you are. No money in the world can replace family, friends, and loved ones when you can share happy memories. We poke fun at a lot of things, but there's no clowning around when you can make someone, anyone smile during the holiday season. So why don't you go and make that a goal of yours?

Now get crackin'. Right now I'm making the family dog smile. I think. I just gave him some Doritos. Whoops he just threw them up. He's not smiling. Later, I'll get someone to smile.

Have a Merry Christmas and we'll see you on Monday!

Big D's Working.......Are You?

Editor's Note: Well I must say we've been a little light this week with blog posts (ahem COMPLETELY light), but one guy who never takes a day off is Big Dick. A mere touchdown away from a perfect record last week but 2-1 with a 14 point underdog winning outright, is something we can more than live with! I'm sure I speak for most of you when I say "we like money". Big D find us some more!!--R.B.

Yes Richie we don't stop until we reach perfection and actually we don't stop even then. We like to live in that area where people say, "come on Big Dick there's no way that happens." And when it does, we just smile. You see these 2 weeks in the NFL are some of the best of the year. Why you ask? Follow the Big Man right here.

The Bengals have had some emotional days and are still having some. They are a formidable team.....but. They are a 14 point favorite versus KANSAS CITY. Now you say, "Cincy NEEDS the game, Big D, and KC is playing for nothing." Yes that may be true but you know who knows that too? The oddsmaker. You think Coach Marvin Lewis is going to do anything nuts for Cincy with the Baltimore team one game behind them? Right. 14 is too many pal. Take the points.

Miami has had a rollercoaster year too. December isn't their cup of tea either. Another team that NEEDS the game. They are a small home favorite that most of the public will pounce on. We'll pounce the other way. After all, Big D is no public person. Ask your friends now who is betting the TEXANS+3 Sunday at Miami? Big D is my friends. Big D is.

Finally, did you catch the Saturday and Monday Night games last week? Interesting right? Dallas is back right? WASHINGTON stinks right? Yeah well it says in my charts that WASHINGTON has covered 7 of 9 times versus Dallas. Including a close 7-6 loss in Dallas this year. Another controversial pick we can live with getting a full touchdown at home? WASHINGTON is the choice.

So from all of us here at Big Dick's Picks have a Merry, Merry Christmas and we'll see you next week. KC+14 @ cincy, HOU+3 @ mia, WAS+7 vs. dallas. Good luck and god bless.  

Big D Makes NO Excuses

Editor's Note--Well Big Dick, that's more what we are accustomed to from a professional like yourself. A spiffy 2-1 record with 2 underdogs winning outright. But people aren't reading what I have to say in this post. They are reading what YOU have to say Big D. So say it.--R.B.  

Yes Richie, we got back to normalcy last week. We feel a perfect Sunday coming on. Let's get to it.

What's up with the New England Patriots on the road this year? And what's up with their offense? New England is 6-1 last 7 UNDER the total. The Bills of Buffalo have held their opponents to 15 points per game the last 4 with their new interim coach. You think its gonna be windy and snowy in Buffalo this Sunday? Why yes it is. UNDER 40.5 looks like a nice gift in this one.

The Eagles of Philly beat a Giants team of New York in a close one last Sunday. The Giants are clearly having problems. But people think the Eagles are great now that they beat the G-men. So great that they lay 9 points to the very decent SF 49ERS. The NINERS have gone 8-0-1 their last 9 as an underdog. They won't play the same kind of defense the Giants did. Take the points with SAN FRAN.

Finally, in our controversial pick of the week, we like the RAIDERS of OAKLAND, or as their esteemed owner, Al Davis, likes to say DA RAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYDUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHSSSS. OAKLAND not winning too much this year but not playing so badly on the road lately (Ask the Steelers). Denver has had a nice season thus far but they are 14 point favorites. The Denver Donkeys are supposed to lay 14 points to anyone? Really? Not with our money. Take the points.

So our 3 winners for the week are: UNDER NE/BUF 40.5, SF+9 @ phi, and OAK+14 @ den. Best of luck and check back with us on Wednesday for the special Big D Christmas Spectacular including some college bowl selections! Good luck to all and god bless.  

Sanity and Facts? This is What We Love

Another one of those sharp cookies, Ms. Meredith Whitney, lowered her forecast on Goldman Sachs (ticker: GS) today sending the stock down at one point to 161.93. Its now around 162.35. We're short at 171.50. Um keep the short on. Its all coming our way. Thats just one bit of what we like to call realistic news today. Here's some more

--Morgan Stanley "gave back" 5 buildings they bought at the top of the market in downtown San Francisco to its lenders because things weren't going so well. They stressed it wasn't a default or a foreclosure, they hust wanted to get out of the loan. Yes, that and the fact the buildings were down 50% in value in 2 years.

--In politcal news, Obama's handling of the war was given a favorable report in poll results. As a matter of fact, HIGHER by 10% from last month. The same polls said 32% of people thought his healthcare plan was a good idea. 33% of the country feels like the U.S. is on the right path. The President also has the lowest approval rating of any President in December of his first term. 47%. Yes I said the LOWEST.

--In related news, a buddy of mine sent me a bar chart that showed "Prior Private Sector Employment" with respect to Cabinet Heads going back to 1900. So Presidents from both sides of the aisle. Most of the percentages were over 50% with "Camelot" Kennedy the lowest at a mere 30% of his Cabinet Heads having previous "real work" experience. Which kind of makes sense with that "Harvard thing" Kennedy had going. Wanna know what Obama's number is? 8%. These are the numbers folks. You think the paragraph above this one has anything to do with the numbers in this paragraph? You bet your sweet ascot it does.

--Finally, homeowners with mortgages of $1mm are defaulting 2 times as much as the national rate. Hey, hhey, ho, ho lets tax the rich now! Oh wait, the rich aren't rich anymore.

Notice there was no yelling (well not really) in the above points. Just cold hard facts. We like numbers. They don't lie. Think I should put in an application to run a Cabinet position in the Obama administration? I have had prior private sector experience. 

  

Don't Spend the Money Yet, Taxpayers.

We've frequently commented here how we wont see a thin dime paid back to us taxpayers from the auto companies or AIG on these bailouts and so far we are correct. Or as they say in the hood, "correck". Now GM announced yesterday that they might pay back $1.4bn of the multiple, multiple billions they have received from you and me. Well la dee da da. So we might get a thin dime back. But that might be all. Now the banks have been a different story. Well, kind of.

Citibank and Wells Fargo have been in the news the last few days saying they are desperate to pay back the TARP money we gave them, with interest. It looks like they are going to do it too! Yahoo! But as the funny cat on ESPN, Lee Corso, likes to say, "not so fast my friends."

Lets hit Wells first. They benefit from fun accounting. Now follow this closely, if you dont remember. Wells bought Wachovia who had bought Golden West Financial. Golden West was run by a nice gent named Herb Sandler. He sold Golden West (and owned like 70% of the shares) to Wachovia at the very tippity-top of the market. Now people say he duped Wachovia. Saturday Night Live also did a skit that said Herb and his wife Marion, were "people who should be shot in 2006". No kidding. They must've then found out that old Herb was a BIG BIG donor to the Democratic Party and now you cant find the clip anywhere. You cant make this stuff up. Anyhoo, Herb gets into my "top 10 traders of the decade" for his basically selling a worthless portfolio of about $122bn in bad mortgages for quite a bit. 

You know who owns that portfolio now? Wells Fargo does. Yes they are paying back TARP money. Why? Who knows? But they will be back at the feeding trough soon you mark my words. Because that $122bn portfolio has not been marked down anywhere near where it should be. And you know where it should be marked? ZERO. BUBKIS. NYET. Soneone please tell me I'm wrong. Because if they had to sell that portfolio, yes even in this "rallying market, they'd get no interest. Fun right?

Citi is a whole different ball of wax but similar in that it has no money. See Citi is paying back the dough from TARP but you know what? The press has quietly reported (on pages like 25 or 26, NOT page 1) that  although Citi is paying back the TARP money they are being told by the IRS that they dont have to worry about paying billions of taxes that they owe. Thats our money folks. Why do they play these games? Dunno. But if we've learned anything these last few years, the kaka (technical term) always rises to the top. 

I feel for the workers at Citi because they are just doing their jobs trying to make money. The management though I guess starting with Sandy Weill and then Bob Rubin, boy, put these guys at Citi, and therefore us taxpayers, in a pickel. Although, both gents have claimed they weren't responsible for the risk taking at the firm. At least when the losses were occuring right? They certainly collected a lot when things were going well. Maybe that was due to their ideas on strategically placed ATMs all over the globe? Assclowns.  

Hey CLOs are Coming Back! I Think

Bloomberg.com just posted an article "JPMorgan Poised to Lead CLO Comeback After Record Loan Rally". I must say I know there has been some nice "inside talk" that I have been privy to that banks would LOVE to start the CLO (Collateralized Loan Obligation) "machine" again. Lord knows it made them a lot of money at one point.

The problem is still going to be.......who is gonna buy the new stuff? These CLOs are made up of a bundle of high yield loans. (There is a reason these got the name "junk" way back in the day.) They are also given ratings by our old friends the rating agencies! (Does anyone trust them anymore?) The article says the CLO machine might start up as soon as the 1st quarter of 2010. Let me be the first to tell you, if that does go down, you will see me talking a MUCH different game about bank stocks. As in, I won't be short stocks like Goldman Sachs (ticker: GS), like I am now (making a nice little profit on that by the way still). Because that will mean the big banks have once again figured a different way to skin the cat (technical term).

Now let me put my "Wall Street guy" hat on. All of these "funky derivative products" served a very good purpose when they were invented, hatched, etc. Trust me. This whole Credit Default Swap product came from JP Morgan trying to make their risk SMALLER, so that they could--get this--LEND more money to different companies. Thats a good thing people. Then it got into the hands of "Dr. Evils" all over the place who had NO clue how to manage risk and nearly blew the whole world up. These CLOs also served a really good purpose back in the day and allowed a lot of smaller to mid size companies to raise capital and HIRE workers to deploy that capital. Then, to paraphrase our man Mr Walz from the Godfather I, "those Johnny Fontaines came along with their olive oil skin and their guinea charm and they ruined it." 

If the banks can figure out a way to not crush everyone in the process of rebuilding this CLO market (as in, rape and pillage for profits) and just get "their beaks wet a little", they might be able to pull it off. Who in the hell knows how they get investors to believe the ratings on the bonds that they buy?  But hey, if they say they want to get it going, I'm sure they have a plan. It might even be a worthwhile investment for those who get in early. Hopefully, they dont get greedy again. Cause the guys who got into Madoff's "thang" early, made money too.    

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Writedowns are the Way to Go!

This Laurie Goodman, an analyst at Amherst Securities, has been calling things nicely for awhile. Nicely of course being pretty much the same way we've been calling it for a long time on this financial crisis. Today she was on Bloomberg radio and she said basically the only way the U.S. housing market is going to recover is if the big banks (and some small ones too) take SUBSTANTIAL writedowns to their home-equity loan portfolios.

She says this since the government's existing plan isn't going to work because it doesnt reduce the principal amount that borrowers owe. Hmmm where have we heard that before? Oh yeah. Right here. Lots of people have been yelling about how the banks "manipsonate" (as a little aside, this is a technical term used first by Tawana Brawley, a woman from upstate NY,  back in the 80s, when she lied about being raped with the Reverend Al Sharpton by her side in a press conference. Tawana being black, and the accused rapist  police officer being white, you can imagine this caused created quite the stir. Tawana uttered the words "No one is going to MANIPSONATE me or my family," during the press conference. Well it turns out she made the whole rape thing up. I just could never forget that press conference. Aside is now over) their positions as servicers and protect their home equity loan portfolios in the process. Its good to see Ms. Goodman is calling them out on this.

She and we also talked about in April 2009 how banks and other institutions wouldnt sell distressed assets in the governments PPIP program either. Why? Because the FASB (the Financial Accounting Standards Board), changed their rules on April 2 to allow banks to basically mark assets where they felt like. Guess what? We're in December 2009 and they haven't sold much. If any. Whats the incentive? Everybody sweep the losses under the rug and no one will notice.

But as we all know there's no free lunch. Or manipsonation. These things always come back to bite you in the tookus. How we feeling taxpayers? Gonna bring it with another bailout next time? Um I'm gonna guess no. Good day.   

Big D Makes Excuses

Editor's Note--An exasperated Big D cant believe his bad fortune. And he's going to talk about it. He also says if he doesn't go 3-0 this week, you will get his service for free for the rest of the year. Oh wait.......just give us the winners Big Dick.--R.B.

Yes Richie, we've been getting a lot of "non-fan mail" the last few weeks. We had TAMPA BAY who threw 5 interceptions and 3 of which were at the goal line or in the end zone, losing 16-6 while we were getting 6.5 points.  HOUSTON lost its QB on the 1st play of the game and then when he came back in the 2nd half they came storming back from a big 1st half deficit, only to watch the rally fall just short. Even TENNESSEE, was losing 27-17, while getting 6.5, recovered an onside kick which might've given us a backdoor cover. But no. This week we have little to say. Other than Al Davis', "just win baby". We really wouldn't be surprised if these 3 underdogs, don't win OUTRIGHT. We are more then happy to take the points too!

CINCY has played 12 games this year. Wanna know how many times the underdog has covered the spread in those 12 games? Yep 12. CINCY is the underdog. Take the BENGALS against Brett Favre.

MIAMI is on fire since week 4. Jacksonville has failed to cover the last 9 times they were favored at home. Well they are favored at home. We like MIAMI.

Finally, the hottest team in the league? SAN DIEGO! Big D goes against the boys from Big D! (Dallas).

So thats 3 very strong underdogs capable of winning the games outright. CIN+6.5 @ min, MIA+3 @ jax, SD+3 @ dal. Good luck and god bless.

Bailouts, Bonuses, and Other B.S.

Tim Geithner just said you and I and the rest of the US taxpayers are gonna lose $61bn on the AIG and Auto bailouts. Well thats gonna hit a lot of headlines and people are gonna be aghast most likely. But not you, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time. I mean you'll be angry but not the least bit surprised. The other thing Geithner said was that we taxpayers are going to MAKE $20bn on the bank bailouts. Thats funny. We said that was going to happen too. So with populist anger at an all time high at the banks, we should 1) give more money to the Auto companies, or 2) continue to collect money from banks like B of A and Citi who are rushing to try and pay us back? I think I'll go with 2). I hope the Auto unions enjoyed their gift from us taxpayers. Cause that's what it was.

 

In somewhat related news, Goldman Sachs just came out and said their top 30 execs will receive NO cash bonus this year. They will receive stock that can only be sold after 5 years and can be "clawed back" if there are problems going forward. Hmmmm. I bet if you are person #31, the holiday party is being held at your house this year cause you won. But at the end of the day, everyone at Goldman won. And for all of you who are grumpy about this, just keep in mind there has been NO bigger supporter of the DEMOCRATIC PARTY over the years than Goldman. So if you are a struggling blue collar worker, good Democratic party supporter, and don't like this, maybe you should call the guys at Goldman and ask them what's up with the team play? Partner? Democratic party brethren? Friend? Yeah those guys are Democrats my epizoodik (technical term). Or maybe call the President? He's also a Democrat right? And he just sold you and your vote down the river.

 

There will be no tax on bonuses in this country like they are doing in England and soon France. That decision was bought and paid for a long time ago, bro. Maybe the populists are angry. Because the President just set the record for the lowest approval rating for someone this short in office. Yep he beat Carter and even Ford. Bravo. Bravo. 

 

Oh the $700bn TARP program? They have $200bn left over. But they arent going to use it to pay down the deficit which would actually keep interest rates REALLY low and help the housing market immensely. No they are going to extend the program until Oct 2010 instead of Dec 31, 2009. And Mr. Geithner gets to spend it how he sees fit. And we all know what happens when money is handed out. We taxpayers get bent over again. Nice job all the way around everybody.

 

Oh and one final point? Make sure you check the size of the bonuses these execs pull down at Goldman even though its not in cash. Remember too, that is because the President is in their pocket and never forget it. Hope and change.  

Only In America

My wife keeps giving me grief as I have been watching old boxing matches on Video on Demand (for free!) the last few nights.  Last night I watched Ali-Frazier III also known as "The Thrilla in Manila". Well, before the fight, (which was fought in like 100 degrees indoors and contributed to BOTH Ali and Frazier's health problems from that moment on), they have the ringside announcer (Don Parry I believe) turn it over to the one and only Don King. King proceeds to read a prepared statement to the viewers. There was stuff about world hunger in there!! Also the fight being held in Manila (Quezon City technically), they must've thanked President Ferdinand Marcos AND Mrs. Marcos (you do remember Imelda with her shoes later in life right? Perhaps the greatest filthy husband and wife tyrant team of all time) about 10 times before, during, and after the fight. Which means of course they took some nice hard cash that the Phillipine country couldve used for the poor and gave it to Don King for a fight.

 

Yes I said they gave it to Don King and then he "distributed it" to Ali and Frazier. Who knows if they even got it? For those of you who dont know, King likes to say "Only in America". This means, "Only in America can a black man KILL another man, do a few years in the pen, and come out and steal money for YEARS, and basically wreck the sport of boxing." That is what he meant I think. So after the fight (which was just insanely fought for 15 rounds and Ali wins), I flip the channel and theres some lame infomercial on with that guy you always see.

 

You know the guy. It got me thinking. These dudes who do these infomercial things are all scam artists so I looked him up. First, on his book selling website that apparently explains how to get out of debt, www.debtcures.com I give you the site only so you can see the guy. If you buy that book from that guy, lose this website. As in, you are dead to me. Next, I find the guy's name is Kevin Trudeau and he's a convicted felon. Did time in the big house for grand larceny, credit card fraud, etc. Also has been fined numerous times by the FTC for selling products that dont exactly do what he said. But "only in America" can guys like this make a fortune from the sucker public. And make no mistake, this guy is making a fortune. He probably idolizes Mr. King.

 

I hope both Mssrs. King and Trudeau read this blog. We'd love to have them tell their sides of the story. Provided of course we can ask questions. And to coin Don, "that would be some real TRICKERATION." 

 

Hows that for a nice double dip of scammers in just one evening? Splendid.

Our Tax Dollars Hard at Work

Come on SEC give it a rest. Yes the organization that was in charge to save us from all the tomfoolery, chicanery, assclownishness, etc has put its line in the sand. Oh no, they didnt "bust" another Madoff by having Madoff turn himself in. Oh no this is much better.

 

You remember this Government vs Ralph Cioffi and Matt Tannin case we've kind of covered here? You know the one where we laughed at from the beginning? The one where my DA pal called me while he was deciding to take the case as the lead prosecutor and I told him "YOU WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK of THE WORLD" if you take it, because you will lose? You remember the one where after the month long trial, the jury went and had lunch ordered in from Big Wong (thats a real restaurant in Chinatown. And good.) and then finished lunch and promptly said "INNOCENT!" on all counts for Cioffi and Tannin? And to top it off, one of the jurors said not only were these guys innocent but she'd like to INVEST in whatever they are doin?!?!! Well thats called a shutout for the defense. And to quote the great Archie Bunker, "our taxpayer dollars went down the terlet!"

 

Well apparently that wasnt enough money wasted because the SEC wants to continue the civil trial against these 2 gents. Maybe they are reading this blog on a daily basis and thought it was the O.J. trial after I coined the phrase, "if a juror wants to INVEST in it, you must ACQUIT!" Because remember O.J. was found innocent by a jury of his peers but found guilty of civil charges at a later date.

 

I think the defendants lawyers were shocked yesterday when they went to go get the case thrown away by the SEC and were told a stern, "NO." From the looks of it, the only guys making out on this are.......the defendants lawyers. Funny how that works out right? We as taxpayers take it in the tookus (technical term) again. Heads should roll at the SEC. Or they should call me and I can tell them what to do with "our" civil suit. Let it go SEC. Let it go.

Remember All the Jokes We Made About the Rating Agencies?

Boy we used to really slam the rating agencies. You know Moody's, S+P, and Fitch primarily. These were the guys that gave the "good housekeeping seal of approval" (or not!) to allow people to buy all kinds of bonds over the years. When it got to the world of structured securities (the stuff with acronyms like CDO, SIV, etc), there was a bit of a problem.

 

See the rating agencies really had no idea how to rate this stuff so they got "ratings models" from the Wall Street firms. The Wall Street firms would teach the agencies how the models worked. They'd then make bonds that the rating agencies would rate using these models. They'd PAY the rating agencies for these ratings. The Wall Street firms would then sell the bonds based on these ratings and scoop up some nice fees. Reread this paragraph again.

 

We as Wall Street firms would go into meetings, sometimes called road shows, where we would try and sell the bonds. It became a running joke that if we were in Europe/Asia and we were trying to sell AAA bonds (the supposed highest, safest rated bonds by the agencies), that as long as no one whipped out a deadly weapon and threatened to kill the customers we could sell the bonds. Because these guys all over the world, treated the AAA rating like a sign from God. As in, THESE ARE SAFE AS CAN BE. GO RIGHT AHEAD AND BUY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

 

Well, you know what happened after that. Everything went pear shaped (technical term). Then we made a lot of fun out of the disclaimer that the rating agencies all had. Which basically said, "if you buy ANYTHING based on what we say, you are a buffoon." We kinda stopped writing about them when all the lawsuits from everyone and their cousins started trickling in, figuring like "Fat Pete" Clemenza said to Sonny Corleone in Godfather I, "Oh Paulie? You wont see him no maw." We figured they were cooked.

 

But then I get an article sent to me today from the NY Times (I still don't read that paper) by David Segal, "Debt Raters Avoid Overhaul After Crisis". Talk about low hanging fruit to write about again! You can read the article but basically it says congress is doing NADA to stop these guys. What is also great is that hedge funds are sniffing around to buy the stock of these rating agencies if they aren't going to be drummed out of business because that means they will just make a huge fortune again!

 

As a first glance, I'm not even going to blame Congress or Wall Street or even the rating agencies for this colassal assclownery. I'm going to blame the potential buyers of the bonds that are rated. Just like I talked about a few weeks ago with the Dubai World thing, if you want to buy these bonds, assclowns, you get EVERYTHING you deserve.

 

Now I have to go. The President is speaking about the economy and the deficit with his Budget Director. This will be high comedy.

Big Dick Is Here To Stay

Editors Note-- Big Dick had some overtime studying going on this Friday. Despite what some of you thought, that Big D could be taking the week off, no way. There's no keeping the Big D down. Yeah he went 1-2 last week but this will change......Now. You have the floor Mr. Big Dick--R.B.

Richie, we've had a tough run the last few weeks but last we checked this is Week 13. There's 17 weeks in the NFL. Plus the playoffs. As our old pal Magic used to say, "Don't bet against em!" And thats how we feel. The lavish places known as Las Vegas casinos are also hurting at the sportsbooks this season. Do you want to play with the guys who have the beautiful buildings in Vegas or the guys wearing underwear and wife beater T-shirts? Exactly.

We take 3 road teams because you don't get the vast wealth that Big D has betting home favorites.

HOUSTON, TENNESSEE, TAMPA BAY. That's all we have to say. HOUSTON piclem @ Jax, TENN+6.5 @ Indy, TAMPA+6.5 @ carolina. Lets see if we go 1-2 again. Lets see. God bless.

You Gotta Have a J-O-B, If You Wanna Be With Me

No that wasn't Shakespeare who penned those words but it was a big hit song back in the 80's for Gwen Guthrie. Also part of the song was the chorus, "no romance without finance, no romance without finance". It sounds like Eldrick Woods was clearly showing ladies all over this land that he had a j-o-b over the last few years. But that's for another time. Today there is a J-O-B summit. In Washington DC!

 

Remember when right after this President was elected and he admitted he had no clue about the economy? Yeah that happened. And he then said, "thats why I have Valerie." He was referring to Valerie Jarrett, a senior White House adviser and longtime Chicago pal of the President. Ms. Jarrett was Chairman of the Chicago Transit Authority and she held various positions in the City of Chicago before that. Then she went on to be Advisor for the Obama campaign and still in charge of things like Northwestern University Medical Center. This is his "business guru". Well I dont know what she knows about business but it looks like she kind of helped set this "Employment Summit" up.

 

I guess they are going to talk with leaders of small, medium, and big business and figure out how to hire people. I saw one comment from a small business CEO that went something like, "um we aren't hiring ANYBODY until we hear what is going to happen with healthcare and taxes." Interesting. Why dont they start the summit with that question? Like "a show of hands from you that can hire people out in the audience. Are you worried about healthcare and taxes or both in terms of hiring new workers?" How many hands do you think go up? Exactly. I dont think we needed to have a summit for that.

 

Now I have to hop and look at 2 more "non-J-O-B" news items. 1) New York City Off Track Betting just filed for bankruptcy and 2) Hofstra University in Long Island, NY canceled its football program effective immediately. I think NYC OTB employs 1500 people and who knows how many students, coaches, vendors are affected by a football program (and not a bad one you fans of former NY Jet Wayne Chrebet know) shutting down immediatement (thats french). Good times all around.

Hey Eldrick! Who Does Goldman's P.R.?!

The Associated Press is reporting that the Goldman Sachs Group Inc invested $61mm into something called the New York Equity Fund the other day which fixes up low income housing in NYC. Call me crazy but in year's past I'm not so sure Goldman felt it necessary to make a press release about how "good guys" they were. And of course they will get a nice tax write off for their "kindness".  Its getting close to bonus time so you can never be too nice if you want some of that $16.7bn thats been set aside right? The GS stock is at 165.88 and we sold it at 171.50. That means we are winning. Lets not cash in our winnings just yet, ok?

 

Now it also sounds like Eldrick "Tiger" Woods needs a better p.r. team too. He might want to donate to the fire hydrant charity or perhaps the tree huggers association for the things he did last week. Also, is he going to stay in that house for 2 months straight and never leave? Maybe he can chopper himself out of there to go to 7-11 or something. He should call Goldman for some help with "image building" and I have their phone number. I doubt he'll call me.  

I Don't Know if He's Gonna Be There

My 6 year old is very into the Jackson 5 music all of a sudden. I'm sure it has to do with the deluge of Jackson "stuff" that has hit the media since the breadwinner of the family passed on at the age of 50 this summer. I've been watching the nice touching commercial for an insurance company (you rarely get a mention here for free as a corporation unless you are advertising here or an assclown worthy of mention, so I am NOT mentioning them). If you have been watching TV, you've seen it. Its played to the backdrop of the Jackson 5's "I'll Be There". Very moving. And of course the rights to that song were very unavailable until the gloved money maker took the dirt nap a few months back. Then all of a sudden everything is for sale. My 6 year old loves the commercial and screams out the lyrics. Very cute.

 

The other "gloved one" is in the news the last few days. Eldrick Woods. The first thought I had when the "accident" occured was this guy is the Michael Jackson of the sports world. Forget about the allegations true or not. This guy has been in the spotlight since he was on "The Mike Douglas Show" when he was 2 years old, hitting balls 150 yards down the fairway. His dad reminded me a bit of that assclown Joe Jackson father of the Jackson 5, always on top of them to be perfect performers. (If you havent seen the unauthorized biography show "The Jackson Family", you should. Its about 6 hours long. But the guy who played Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington from "Welcome Back Kotter" plays a real good Joe Jackson) 

 

You think Tiger was able to go play with other kids like a normal child? Nope. He had to practice. You think he had a regular school life? Nope. He had to practice. You think he had a girlfriend growing up? Nope. There was no time for that. He had to practice.

 

So as the P.R. machine at stately Woods Manor in Fantasyland, Florida has run full bore (and still is) these days, remember there are many, many leeches that make money off this guy. So they CAN'T have him go "off the reservation" like the guy who wore the sequined glove and sang. Even if that means skipping his own golf tournament this weekend, and costing COUNTLESS dollars to well deserving charities that would've benefited just from Mr. Woods appearance this week in this really tough time in the economy. Like Michael Jackson, I'm sure all of these "handlers" have Eldrick's interests at heart. Uh huh.

 

I'm sure all of this will blow over and we'll see the best golfer in the world doing what he does best, playing golf soon. But his social skills probably will never be up to par and he seems to be under some pressure to perform to "not let people down". Well in the last week, I've counted a few people he's let down already. Money does funny things to a lot of people. My guess is he is saying right now what I think actor Bill Murray from Caddyshack used to say, "rich and famous is nice but whats really nice is if you try the rich without the famous." Amen brother.