MonkeyBusinessBlog

We Sneezed and A Lot of Other People Got Sick

I always love the people (usually not from the US) who say things like "Well you guys deserve this economic downturn, the way you spend and borrow and all" or "see you can't always have it all" or even "this is payback for your evil ways". To which I always reply, "pound salt assclown" or "socialism is a nice way of life isnt it?" Well folks, I've been around the block and the world and its safe to say when the US is hurting, most of the rest of the world is hurting 10x as badly. That's not some American Capitalist Pig statement. That's a fact.

Greece is in trouble. Some think Portugal and Spain are next. Japan is in a 20+ year slump and China's real estate market is an implosion waiting to happen. I could go on and on. What do these various countries do to make money? What is their economic system? It reminds me of these Hollywood types that make some bold statement like "if blah blah blah happens, I'm moving to Country X". Much to my chagrin, they never leave. I guess those other countries can't pay them millions of dollars for a few weeks of work. Funny that.

So for those "haters" out there, you better pray that the US economy gets better and soon. If you think long and hard about it, you really have nothing else to hope for. Sorry to be so blunt but just think about that before you call me George Washington or Ben Franklin. Well Ben Franklin aint so bad. He's on the hundy.

Issa Nice in the Markets? No.

I guess the markets don't like a lot of things. Greece seems to be closely watched. Hope they keep Santorini and Mykonos open this summer. Qualcomm had "less than desirable" results. Not good news for the tech sector. And add that speech last night from the leader of the free world and you end up with a lot of bad blood. Appropriately enough, "Bad Blood" by Neil Sedaka is playing on my XM/Sirius radio right now. As an aside, I saw Neil Sedaka getting out of his Rolls Royce at the Reno Hilton about 20 years ago. He was everything you wanted in a superstar. As long as you liked a 4'7" dude who talked and sang like a woman. But I digress.

It feels like a big turd sandwich out there people. Pay attention. Nothing has hit my radar just yet today but there's a few things I'm perusing. Looking at a very highly priced tech sector right now too. Those P/E (price to earnings) numbers for some of these guys could give you a nose bleed they are so high. And that ain't a good thing. So I'm wading thru the charts. You'll be the 2nd one to know when I do something. After my online broker of course.

Speaking of XM/Sirius, why don't you tune in to XM 130 or Sirius 110 at 5pm eastern today and listen to me chat away with Pete Dominick on his POTUS radio show live from the Big Apple, New York City. Pete's a standup comedian as well. And extremely funny. You think we can't talk about some Monkey Business? You think you are gonna be slightly entertained by such an event? Let's just say ISSA sure thing. Enjoy. Now Anita Ward is singing "You can ring myyyyyyyyyyyy bellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll" on XM7 radio and I'm dancing. Due tune in later.

Books A Go Go

Hey Hank Paulson just came out with a book. Yep. I'm sure he's not doing it for the money, being a former CEO of Goldman Sachs and all. I guess Secretary of the Treasury doesn't pay much though. Well not compared to when you are a former CEO and at a time when people weren't ferreting around trying to stop the bonuses you paid yourself. Hank is apparently a big bird watcher (the kind that fly in the air, not humans of the female persuasion you filthy thinkers). I saw one of his pads down in South Carolina near the ocean on a golf course. But I think he just uses it to watch birds.

Anyway, the book apparently has nothing startling in it. Other than he almost O.D.ed on sleeping pills due to his "fearful nights" while heading the Treasury Department for President Bush and watching the economy spiral downward. He doesn't really go in to the "AIG thing" in his book either. Hey its his book. He can write what he wants. I bet it has stuff about birds. I think I'd rather set myself on fire or watch paint dry than read this drivel. That goes for a lot of the "tell all" business books out there about the crisis.  

You know what? This got me thinking.  I think Eric and I are going to write a book. You'd buy something like that right? I can see it now at a book signing. Me: "Who do you want me to sign this to? Aunt Mabel? Ok. Dear Aunt Mabel, Don't be an assclown." Love, Richie and Eric.   

Issa Time to Face the Music

Ahhh Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) has called a meeting to get to the bottom of where some of our taxpayer dollars went and people are testifying. First up? Tim Geithner Secretary of the Treasury. You know what Tim said under oath? He had NOTHING to do with the fact the US Government gave 100 cents on the dollar on behalf of AIG to the banks (like Goldman, Merrill, Soc Gen, etc) even though the banks were willing to take a lot less cause they knew AIG was  "el morto" (technical term). Man, this follows up Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman, saying HE had NO knowledge of trying to negotiate a deal that mightve saved he and his firm, oh I don't know, 10-15 Billion dollars, relating to this very payment. Sounds like these are 2 very "hands off" managers right? I mean you have bosses like that right? Like the boss doesn't even want to know what you're doing or to whom or with what? Even when your firm or your department makes the biggest decisions it has to make in say about 70 years? The bossman doesn't want to know a thing. Right? No? Oh.

I wonder if Representative Issa will ask the same type of questions I just opened up in the above paragraph? And even if, and that's the biggest "IF" I've heard in a long time, these 2 asshats had NO knowledge of this going on, why in the hell are they running things? Seems simple to me.

I love this guy Issa's name too. It reminded me of the "Our Gang" (a big kids show back in the 30s and 40s and run on TV for generations until Bill Cosby bought the rights and I think burned the tapes because he said it was racist. I kid you not.) episode when Mrs. Crabtree, the teacher, told Stymie, one of the gang, "Stymie can you use the word "isthmus" in a sentence?" Styme replied, "Yes ma'am, ISTHMUS be my lucky day!"

If more hearings occur like this, "ISSA gonna be a lucky day for all taxpayers."

Well You Can't Win Em All

Sorry for the non-posting this week. Something about being stuck in a place where "1/2 the US population is within a day's drive". No offense to the people in Indianapolis, but if that was my town's claim to fame, I'd be........moving. Actually had a decent time there except for the last 32 minutes of the football game on Sunday. Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon stopped the Jets from going to the Super Bowl? Really? Looks like the defensive backfield of the "best defense in the league" is going to be a little different come the fall. Also, as a J-E-T follower, I can't/don't muster up the words "wait till next year". The last time they got this close (in Denver over a decade ago in a game eerily similar to last Sunday's, allowing another famous QB to get a ring.....), in the next season's first game, the JET QB, (funnily enough with a translated last name of Green Head)  snapped his achilles tendon with no one touching him and he and the Jets were never the same. Happy days.

I've also fielded a few e-mails from you folks saying something like "nice call on the Goldman trade Richie, too bad your timing sucks" or "you couldn't wait another week to watch that thing implode could you". Yeah, I know. I know. It stings when you have the right trade on and make a tiny bit of money, only to close it out and watch piles of money left on the table. Let's just keep sticking to the charts and they will continue to crank out winners for us. Which reminds me, my computer is now smoking in the back from all the charts I'm running to see which one fits for another money making opportunity. Stay tuned please.

And no, I'm not going to Miami for the Super Bowl because it will be "fun". 2 football players named Austin and Pierre wrecked my fun for this season.

Big Dick Makes Just One Play

Editors note--Wow what a trip to San Diego with the friends of Big Dick and the big man himself. Of course it didn't look good on Saturday for Big D when he lost both games. But in true Big D fashion, he came through with his playoff lock of the year and the J-E-T-S on Sunday. Yes, it was a 1-2 weekend but you must agree that "1" was quite large. This week he has just one wager. But when he wins it, does it really matter? Take us into the NFL Championship weekend big fella and I'm running down that JETway to Indianapolis with you!!!--R.B.

Yes Richie, that plane leaves shortly. As I am just getting over the frequent songs by the Eagles on our trip to San Diego last weekend, I wonder if the "Hotel California" was written about the Hotel del Coronado just outside of San Diego, where we stayed. What a paradise. But there is some more work to be done.

This week we have a mere two games. We are going to pass on the 2nd game on Sunday. We think both lines for the Saints vs Vikings (the spread and the total) are fairly priced. But the first game? Not so much.

Yes Indy is tough. Yes Manning is a genius. Yes the defense for Indy is better than San Diego's. But...."GANG GREEN" is now a sturdy 7-3 straight up on the road. The Colts have gone 7-1 this season at home (the loss to the J-E-T-S) but have won their games at home by an average of 7 points. That's counting the "scrubini" teams they played this year. The J-E-T-S are no "scrubinis". The line is 7.5. Really? We get 7.5 points taking the loosy goosy J-E-T-S? Who has the pressure in this game? Big Peyton has a 50-50 winning percentage in the playoffs. Big Dick has a better record than that.

One last bit of irony as we talk about the Eagles and "Hotel California".....We've been impressed by the NEW YORK fans spirit. After all, they haven't won since 1969. Oh wait how does that song go? "We havent had that spirit here since 1969". And who won the Super Bowl in 1969? And where was it? In Miami. Ok. Ok. Take the points.

So look for our entourage in Indy on Sunday and take the J-E-T-S +7.5 @ Indy on Sunday. Good luck and god bless.

Get Up More Dollars for the Bossman? Probably Not

NOW he's really pissed. The President, fresh off the smackdown, that was Tuesday night's election, is fuming. I joked once the election results came in for Senator-elect Brown (which wasn't even close) that somehow this too was going to be George Bush's fault. You know what? I was right! See, President Obama said something like Brown was swept up into a victory just like he was because people are tired of the last 8 years. Well, well, well. You know what else? He may be right. As long as he's counting the last 7 of Bush's term and HIS 1st year. Which I don't think he was, the way he said it. But when the new polls come out and show him at like a 30% approval rating, he will probably say that's what he meant.  

However, this morning he sat in a meeting with Mr. Paul Volcker. For the small minority who aren't in the "in crowd" and haven't read this blog before, we said from day 1 that Volcker was the guy that could help this whole mess. You know what these pissants in the Administration did until now? Made Mr. Paul act like some old geezer and sit in the corner and play pinochle while the whole house was burning down.

Well somebody in the administration must've said, "um what about the old guy? Who has gotten us through some bad stuff in the past? We haven't really let him speak." So today they spoke. I'm gonna guess it went down like this........

PV: Mr. President, like I've been telling you while you were busy fiddling with gay marriage, healthcare, global warming, and assorted other items no one really gives 2 hoots about when they cant feed themselves because they have no jobs, you need to get these banks in line.

BO: Yes, Paul.

PV: Now you could've done this 1000x easier a year ago while some of these asshat banks were about 10 minutes away from being vaporized, but we still have time but not much, so listen up.

BO: Ummmmm.....yes Paul.

PV: One final thing before I go on. These banks have clearly given you a lot of money for your real job as professional campaigner. The American people feel that you have done bubkis to help them but think you've bailed out the banks. Even thats debatable because when the Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities (CMBS) debacle hits sometime this year, more banks are gonna go down again. So it looks like no one is going to be happy. But if you want to truly help the economy, here's a good first step. 

BO: Paul you mean no one is going to like me?

PV: Oh some people will still like you. Like there were those people that Howard Stern interviewed for his radio show before the election. Remember he pretended that YOU chose Sarah Palin as your running mate and asked people what they thought of that and they all said it was a good idea? Yeah those people will like you. The guys who aren't are going to be liking you are guys like Goldman Sachs. 

BO: But GOLDMAN are my biggest donors.

PV: Not anymore, B. See some people have said Goldman makes 90% of their money on proprietary trading. Which is basically betting the house money on all kinds of financial instruments. Which makes them either 1) the world's biggest casino, or 2) the world's biggest hedge fund. Now Barack, I know you don't like casinos from that statement you made about how no one should go to Vegas anymore, but hedge funds, that's where its really gonna hurt you. You know your good pal George Soros runs a hedge fund right? Well, you're gonna go out there and make a speech to the people that says you are going to outlaw proprietary trading. The people on Main Street might not know what the heck that is, but trust me, that hotline from Lloyd at Goldman is going to be lighting up.

BO: Ok Paul. Ok. This really sucks.

PV: Remember, you only have a little time left or we are all gonna be up poopie creek without a paddle. Oh and if your pal Lloyd threatens you in any way, I've seen him. He's about 5'4". I'm 80 years old but I'm 6'8" 275. I dont mind speaking with him.

BO: Um......got it.

  

Its All A Market, Right?

Sorry for the absence yesterday, I was a little "under the weather" due to the West Coast trip in San Diego watching the J-E-T-S with Big D. But I'm ok now.

Saw that the stock markets were up a lot yesterday. More buyers than sellers? Yes, but also, anticipating a funny kind of victory in Massachusetts. You know what? The victory happened. So Senator Scott Brown will be inaugurated soon. I wonder if the "smooth operating" Democrats will try to pass a healthcare bill BEFORE he gets sworn in. That would be high drama. And hilarious. But don't put it past them.

At the end of the day people vote with their pocketbooks. You think any jobs have been or will be created in Massachusetts with the current administrations policies? Sounds like the voters dont think so. Oh, and this is the state with 3 Democrats to 1 Republican. Yeah the spin doctors are already saying this Martha Coakley was an arrogant fool, not running the right campaign. That's nice. Let me just ask you this. If you are a Democratic Congressperson, do you want the President within 500 miles of you or uttering your name in a press conference when you run for reelection? I'm starting to like the stock market just a little more now. How about you?

Big Dick Surfs for Winners

Editor's Note--Well I got just got a phone call from the Big Man himself, Big Dick, and he invited me to San Diego this weekend to hobnob with the hoi polloi. There are some invitations you just don't turn down in life, and this is one! I hear they are having a football game there on Sunday. Now you listen to Big D give out some playoff winners while I hustle off to the aeroporto! Cheers!--R.B.

 

Well Richie B, I know your love for the J-E-T-S. Well maybe love is a hard word for that team but I know your passion for following that team. I'll see you out there soon. Now let me give your fine readers some more winners.

 

There's a team that has been the hottest in the playoffs the last 2 years in the NFL. Yep 5 straight covering the spread now in the playoffs. We were all over them last year and we won't be stopping now. They play a team that was very hot, then cooled off immensely. Which is what they normally do. They havent covered a home game in like 2 months either. Big D's kind of QB is that #13 for the red team too. We also get a plentiful 7 points for our troubles. C-A-R-D-S are the team to take in the first game Saturday.

 

Saturday night has a similar team hosting. 14-0 to start. Coach pulls starters. Team goes 14-2. It has to be the grumpiest fan base and players right now EVER for a 14-2 team. EVER. You ever heard of the word chemistry as it pertains to sports teams? Well the Colts don't have it right now. The RAVENS do. We get 6.5 with BALTIMORE here too. Take the points.

 

Finally, Richie and I, as aforementioned, will be in attendance in sunny and 72 degree San Diego on Sunday. Now I'm not saying this upstart J-E-T team can go in and beat a team that has 1) rest, 2) is at home, 3) has won 11 straight games. BUT the #1 defense possessed by NEW YORK could prove to make for a very close game. Heard the J-E-T-S were blaring Beach Boys music at practice yesterday with their rookie--California born and bred--QB leading the singing and smiling. This team is "loosy, goosy", hits very hard, and has really no pressure on them. Not sure they can win it outright but look here, we get 7.5 points to take them. Sounds like the lock of the playoffs. And it is for Big Dick.

 

So while me and Richie will be in the warmest place in the 48 states (49 when you count Alaska) this weekend, we wish you and yours a warm, happy, and profitable weekend wherever you are. Saturday: ARIZONA+7 @ New Orleans, BALTIMORE+6.5 @ Indy, and the lock of the playoffs J-E-T-S +7.5 @ San Diego. Good luck and god bless.   

Plan B........,AND Plan C

For the one or two of you out there that haven't read the blog lately, we've been telling people we are going to buy the Monkey Business Mini-Mansion. Then tell the world on these pages what it entails to be real estate moguls. We wont hold punches either. The idea is to buy a rental property and rent it out in these trying times and see the money come rolling in while everyone else cries about the economy. Of course, the coolest thing is readers of this blog will get a chance to participate financially in such a project. With ideas like this, the blog is gonna get bought out by CNBC or someone, but I digress.

 

Now many of you responded positively to our PLAN A which was a 1 bedroom unit in an Atlanta highrise. Alas, it looked like we might be restricted at some point from renting it out, and that stopped the negotiations right there. As Wolz from the Godfather said, "I ain't no bandleader." Meaning I'm not a stooge or a country bumpkin. He also said, "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous." Damn right, Wolz.

So we had a PLAN B in mind. You see, when you are a mini-mogul of real estate like myself, you get people throwing ideas at you. Which is nice. It has also created a PLAN C. PLAN B is to buy a single family house in the town of Melbourne, Florida. Near the Atlantic Ocean about 45 miles east of Orlando. Right near where "I Dream of Jeannie" used to live in Cocoa Beach. There are a few that are for sale down there (and thats an understatement). We are looking at a few that have the best potential for rental income. Of course we will keep you posted as things progress and ask for your money.

 

PLAN C just fell on top of me when I called a pal from San Diego. He has been sworn to secrecy via a confidentiality letter but he tells me a "major university", also in Florida,  has a large property that houses students near its campus. How large? 416 units. How much? The bank who now owns it (and certainly doesn't want to) is asking $5 million. Now I'm no math major but that adds up to about $12k PER apartment. Hiya! I'm in the process of signing a confidentiality agreement to get more details. So $5mm sounds like a lot, but I'm sure if you go and ask grandma, or daddy, or aunt lucy, we might be able to scrounge up enough to play a very big game. I'm starting to think its either "The U" (University of Miami) or maybe University of Central Florida (UCF in Orlando). Either way, I'm on it. And remember, the power of leverage. My guess is we could buy this tower from the bank with 10% (500k) down. Who is with me? !?!?!

 

The Monkey Business Tower at "X" University has a nice ring to it right? I GUARANTEE we also get tickets in the luxury suite to the football games wherever this is. I bet hoops too.

The Tax Man......Yeaaaaah the Tax Mannnn!

First off a bit of housekeeping, I just covered my short in Goldman Sachs (ticker: GS). 168.15 was my price. Made a little scratch. But when the news of today didn't really slam it, and the charts broke through on the upside, it was time to cover. Oh what was the news of the day?

 

Well the President himself will divulge more details later but its gonna be something like 50 financial firms--some that received TARP money and some that didn't--that are going to get hit with a new "fee". The other word I like that these asshat politicians use is "levy". Make no mistake about it though its a TAX. And the banks are none too pleased.

 

Jamie Dimon from JPM had a few choice quotes like, "tax policy is no way to punish people" and the one I like the best, "All businesses tend to pass their costs on to customers". So you know who will ultimately get hit with this LEVY-FEE? I'll give you 2 guesses and it aint the banks.  You know who arent on the list of 50? General Motors, Chrysler, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac. My guess is Citibank, who still hasn't paid back its TARP money, will also be given some quiet backdoor deal to not have to pay this either.

 

So the message today kids is if you did what you were told and paid your TARP back with interest or never got TARP money at all, you will be punished with taxes. Because you have money. Kinda sounds like the people who get bailed out of their mortgages these days right? You bust your hump and scramble and pay your bills and you get no help. The guy down the block who has tricked out plasma TVs, a nice sound system, expensive cars, and misses a few house payments, HE gets help.

 

And if you don't think this is a political move to stick the Republicans in a corner, you are asleep. What are the Republicans going to say to this tax? Nothing because the Dems will jump down their throats on the campaign trail by saying the Republicans love the banks and the rich if they oppose it. But as we have already seen Mr. Dimon say, that cost is coming to you and me. And if it gets bad enough for the bank that it cant pass it on to the customer, doesn't the bank then start to fire people? Raising taxes in the great recession, your Democratic dominated government at work. I'm glad someone is working. J.S. Ragman (technical term) isn't going to be soon. Then what?   

You Really Cant Make this Stuff Up

This just in. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs, just testified in Washington D.C. in front of one of those "official" Congressional Committees that he was NEVER asked to take a "haircut" for the amount of the bailout provided to him via AIG back in the fall of 2008. The NY Fed gave out the whole amount in a bailout, after the banks told the NY Fed  to "get bent" (technical term) when they were asked to take a lesser amount. A lesser amount of your and my money.

 

Now if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know with regards to this story, we know a LOT. We know what trades Goldman was doing with AIG. We know why. We know what would've happened if AIG didn't get bailed out. If you don't believe we know, go ask our good pal, Matt Taibbi, who wrote what appears to be the seminal article about these particular assclowns at Goldman in Rolling Stone Magazine last summer. You see Matt and us talk........

 

Well anyway, I wish I was at the hearings when Blankfein said this. Remember, a few weeks ago, he said Goldman was doing "god's work", right? Well why do I think today he looked like Frank Pentangelli from the Godfather II when the Feds had Frankie all teed up to drop dirt on Don Corleone and he flipped? Remember that? Fabulous. And all the Senators get all wigged out when Frankie claims to be unaware, and the one guy says, "We have sworn affidavits! With your signature on them!!! Are you aware that perjury is a crime?!!" Well Lloyd had a similar tone today when he said MAYBE another employee at Goldman heard of this discounted bailout business but it "never came up to me".

 

Let me tell you people this one time and one time only. This guy runs his firm with a pretty strong fist. He knows if a certain desk is losing a lot of money or making a lot of money. And when I say a lot, we're talking about tens of millions of dollars. Every day. Well you know what this number in question on this AIG thing is? Like $20 BILLION for Goldman alone. Thats right. With a "B". Oh and the accounts that these trades were done in were with GOLDMAN PARTNER money. NOT client money. Well, Lloyd is a pretty senior partner as CEO, right? If you believe this guy didnt know then if that number he was going to get or not get from the Fed was one penny less than the $20 billion, please stop reading this blog. Right now.  

 

Lloyd, a little advice bro, and I will call you bro. Why dont you start acting like the card carrying member of the Democratic Party that you tell people you are at cocktail parties, the Hamptons, and at the private islands you visit? Because every time you seem to talk lately, you kill it for an entire place called Wall Street. Maybe deep down this is what you want? Like Main Street to come burn down Wall Street? But the way you are handling it bro, the people with the pitchforks are gonna be looking for you first. Do I expect anything will happen to him for this? Nahhh he's paying for the Democratic politicians and some of the Republicans too. The President definitely has his back.

 

After the hearings in Godfather II, do you remember what "Frankie Five Angels" did? I'm not telling Lloyd to do that, but he should step down and build houses in poor neighborhoods or something. Like a good person.

Roadblocks and Other Stuff

Well I was wrong about the charts crossing up on Goldman Sachs (ticker:GS) today. This wouldve meant a buy signal. I guess the strength of the drop in the price yesterday kept the charts at bay at least for another day. Its nice to seeing it moving down again though after a decent down day yesterday. Its at 167 as I write this, and we shorted it at 172.50. Good stuff.

 

Unfortunately, our quest to buy the Monkey Business Mini-Mansion has run into a roadblock. At least for "Plan A". You see, in this particular high rise where the "Plan A" unit is, in Atlanta, there are very few restrictions for owners. Unlike the stuffy New York City Co-op Boards, this building is a condo.

 

However, it does have a condo association. I am not on the board of the association but got in touch with someone who is. He said that currently there are NO restrictions on owners renting their units out to tenants. Some of you might think, "Well of course. Why would that be a problem?" Well the feeling is if the OWNERS live in the units they might take care of it more, so the buildings generally put a cap on how many units can be rented out at any one time. Its usually about 25%. As I said, in this building, 100% of the units can be rented out. Which is great as an owner. The problem is that's about to change. Maybe not right away, but the board member said it could be in 6 months.

 

So I asked how will it be determined as to who gets the units eligible for rental. He said 1) seniority, and then if there are too many requests by people with seniority, 2) by lottery. Now I dont know about you, but buying this unit today, we aint senior, and even if I was, I dont really want to press my luck on letting a lottery determine my cash flow future on an investment. I WOULD press my luck on other things like Big Dick's Locks of the Week, but not this.

So its kind of a bummer that we won't be pulling the trigger on this one but remember I said we have a "Plan B" (and probably up to a Plan Z if necessary!). Stay tuned.

Ahhh Markets

Well after watching Goldman Sachs (ticker: GS) drop like a stone when we shorted it, only to watch it rally back up very fast, and now drop back down to where we are a little in the money, we might have to cover our short in the stock tomorrow. You see, our trusty charts are going to give the "buy" signal probably tomorrow. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to go buy anymore than I am short (remember I'll never buy another financial stock again until they all come clean with what they own on their balance sheets and right now almost none of them are), but I am saying it won't make sense to be short GS right now. Bummer. Hopefully, we'll eke out a little more profit between now and tomorrow.

 

Speaking of markets, it looks like the market for bankers in London is dwindling by about 9000 people. You see, Jamie Dimon, Chairman of JPMorgan, told the UK government they can stick the 50% bonus tax  they thought of, up their tea and crumpets. It is kind of an odd move for the UK to tax EVERY bank that does business there, not just their own banks that they gave money to. Sounds like Jamie told the UK something like, "Oh yeah? Well Monaco I hear has a nice tax structure, as in ZERO. I bet they would like to have an increase in employees there. Provided I give a nice gift to the prince....." It never ceases to amaze me when politicians raise taxes they forget Math 101. What Math you say? How about this? A lot of workers X some tax = nice amount of money versus 0 workers X a huge tax = NO MONEY.

 

But this just in, and not to be outdone, President Obama has suggested some sort of "fee" of $120bn on banks in THIS country for next year's budget. I love it. A "fee". Like the administration says "fee" and we won't know what that means. I promise you Jamie Dimon knows what that means. Now let's see if he threatens his pal Barry O, like he did the UK. We can only hope. But probably not likely. After all its only a fee. Assclowns.  

Monkey Business Mini-Mansion Update

Monkey Business Mini-Mansion Update

 

First of all, sorry for the technical difficulties preventing Big Dick's analysis this week from showing up on the blog. In his inner circle, Big D went 2-1 with a win with the J-E-T-S, a loss with the PATS, and the OVER in the Az/GB game. But that doesn't help you now. Don't worry, he may have his NFL Playoff Lock of the Year this weekend. Stay tuned for that.

 

We'd like to thank everyone for the jubilant, giddy, and forceful responses to our idea for the Monkey Business Mini-Mansion last week entitled "Ahhh This Might be the One". Don't fret the many of you who have expressed interest in the project. We are working on some "behind the scenes" details with the broker and seller before we show some real numbers. We will contact all of you who have asked to be updated when we have some new news. Right now there are still some questions we want ironed out and we should be getting those answers today.  Once we have the greenlight we will make a bid.

 

Forgive us in advance for not letting anyone weigh in on what we are bidding on this one. If we win, you will get all the details and can make a decision at that time. Now the wiseguys of you in the bunch, just said to yourself, "Um, Richie seems a bit confident on this one, he might not even care if NONE of us participate." To you wiseguys, there is a reason you are wise. You are damn right that's how confident I am on this one if we get it at our price!! Not to be a Class A assclown, but I've driven this kind of boat before, and all discussions will be greatly welcomed but we won't have 10 people with differing views slowing anything down. I think in corporate terms, that would make us the General Partner and you guys the Limited Partners. Capisce? Good. Now we'll be back to you soon.

 

Go back to looking at football highlights from this weekend.

Ahhh This Might Be the One

Readers of this blog will know we have been on a quest for "The Monkey Business Mansion". What is that? Well, we are going to purchase a property somewhere with the intention of renting it out and then spill all the details on these pages. The ups and downs. The fraudulent (hopefully not) renters. The price movements. The taxes and fees associated with it. To teach the public what it entails to be a real estate mini-mogul. Of course to have some real fun, we invite you the viewers to invest in the property along with us. We'll probably set up a simple LLC and buy away.

 

Now we've really been doing some homework and have found a couple of gems. One is a single family home in Florida that I will call "Plan B". The other is in a full service high rise building in the Buckhead section of Atlanta, Georgia, which we will call "Plan A".

 

Plan A is a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 837 square foot place in a building that was originally built in the 60s and was completely renovated in 2005 when yours truly took the plunge for an exact unit (albeit on a higher floor) for the sprightly price of $152,000. The developer threw in 2 free years of HOA fees (home owners association fees that cover all kinds of amenities in the building like a pool, a gym, a doorman, a free parking space, water, sewage, basic cable tv, etc). Now those HOA fees that I pay are $354 a month. It would be the same for this Plan A property. So I will be checking the unit out for any wear and tear but its got all tricked out kitchen appliances, a stacked washer/dryer in the unit, and you can walk to a lot of places from here (i.e. nightlife). 

 

Wanna know what they are asking for the place? 99k. Yep that aint a typo. So I guess my marked to market posiiton on my original purchase is down 50%! Nice purchase Richie. But you know what? I got a renter in there that pays me $1175 a month and that covers almost all of my expenses, mortgage, taxes, HOA fees, insurance. So guess what? As long as I can keep a renter in that ballpark figure, I dont really care what happens. Well, that is until I want to sell. But I can wait it out. A loooooooooong time. Wanna know what the numbers are for this property?

 

Lets say we buy it at 99. (I think we are going to bid them 80k for the place and see what happens but lets say its 99). We put 20k down. We have a 79k mortgage. Wanna know what the monthly payment is on a 79k mortgage is for 30 years at 5%? $425 a month. So add that to the $354 a month and lets say another conservative $200 for everything else (taxes, any kind of repairs or cleaning, etc) and we are talking about $975 out of pocket a month. Right now we have someone who will move in for $1000 a month. Voila. Remember if we do get it for 80k drop our out of pocket expense to $900 a month. I dont even want to talk about what happens if things turn around and we can sell it for a still very reasonable $125k. This isnt even a short sale or a foreclosure. The person is moving and just wants out. Goodie for us.

 

Now the building is in good financial shape and they didnt even raise the HOA fees for this year. We will be acting fast on this. My people may already be inspecting the unit as we speak! If you are interested, e-mail us at bensalzproductions@yahoo.com with your questions or indications of interest. Good luck players.

Japan Airlines in More Trouble

Boy I feel like I'm in the old days. For some reason tonight, I'm watching the Asian markets to get some sort of sign of what's going on. I see the markets are up but I also see Japan Air Lines (JAL) is probably going to file for bankruptcy in March and fire 10,000 people after taking a $12.2bn charge. Yes thats Billion with a "B". Both Delta and American Air are trying to get a piece of JAL but it doesn't look like the Japanese government wants to give up the prize. Which reminds me of a story.

The last time I was in Tokyo was 11 years ago. Went out in the Rapongi district. Was the biggest person walking down the street. Saw some very odd behavior. All that stuff. Got on the plane to go home right before Christmas. We are about 50 feet off the ground and some Japanese fellow next to me in First Class lights up a Marlboro Red. Mind you this behavior is not illegal at the time. He chain smokes the first one and lights up another. Now I'm no prude but come on guy. We got a 13 hour flight and you are going to blow this smoke in my mug the whole time? Then it dawns on me. I got a box of fine cigars in my carry on bag! I believe they were called Hoyo de Monterey Double Coronas. They are a bit big. So I fire one up and just look at my seatmate and smile. Of course he was nervous to fly and needed 2 butts and he was going to sleep but thats too bad. Try the cloud of smoke up YOUR ass now Kenji. And of course I couldnt have just one cigar or one drink. No, it was a one man party. Then it got really good.

There was some Texan on the plane. He comes over to my seat and screams, "They let you smoke cee-gars on this plane?!?!?" I say to him, "Well, my man, Tatsuya here (who was now waking up again) sparked up some Marlboros before we got off the ground so I figured it was smoke em if you got em." Tex screams, "Hotdamn!" Goes back to his chair, lights up his own stash,  and its an old fashioned smokers cabin. Never before had I thought a 13 hour flight could be so fun.

We get about 45 minutes from JFK and I have some remnats of I dont know what number cigar left and the stewardess (sorry, flight attendant) comes over and says, "Oh I'm sorry sir there is NO cigar smoking on this plane." I look over at "Tex" across the way who is giving me the thumbs up and mouthing "you are the @$#@%!%% man!" I look back at the flight attendant and smile. I say, "Oh no cigar smoking on this plane?!? I didnt know. I'm sorry." And I start thinking to myself, "holdup I've been smoking cigars in this plane for the better part of 12 hours." It then dawns on me she could care less. She smiles and takes the nub from me.

Now I read another tough story for JAL and I get sad. Can you blame me? Do they still have smoking on those flights? 

8 Is the Luckiest Number

Did you know that 8 is the luckiest number in China? Well you should. They own our country as of now. The esteemed University in New Haven, CT known as Yale knows 8 is the luckiest number today,too. My sources tell me a gent named Lei Zhang just dropped a cool $8,888,888 to Yale University to build a new business school campus. Mr. Zhang was a student at the Yale Business School also known as "SOM" (School of Management) and even worked with Yale's CIO, Dave Swensen, to help oversee the endowment investments. Zhang worked with Swensen when times were good and opened up his own hedge fund named Hillhouse Capital Management Ltd with a nice $2.5bn. Hillhouse being the name of the street where the business school is currently located, of course. I spent some interesting times on Hillhouse Avenue in the 80's and didn't all have to do with business. But that's for another time.

 

Zhang picked all 8's because he thought that would be very lucky, I assume. My people tell me they'll name a building after Mr. Zhang too when its all said and done. So bully (technical term that people with monocles and locked jaws usually scream at the country club that means good) for Yale! Maybe they'll ask me for less money next year. Maybe not. As we Bulldogs like to say, "For God. For Country. And For Yale!" And let me add, "For Rich Chinese Dudes Who Like Business". Now let me go play 888 on the daily number.  

Dodd and Dorgan "Pursue Other Endeveaors"

Ahhh Senators Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) and Byron Dorgan (D-South Dakota) have stated that neither are going to seek re-election in 2010. These were pretty powerful dudes in the Senate. We've talked a lot about Dodd in these pages over the last few years. Rarely, anything good. The one I liked the most was when Dodd and Kent Conrad (D-North Dakota) received preferential treatment in the "friends of Angelo" program. For those who don't remember, that was the program where the "friends" received nice discounts on mortgage loans from Countrywide Home Loans which was run by the always tan Angelo Mazillo. Of course, both gents denied having any knowledge of getting preferred status. O.J. denied what he did too.

 

This all kind of sets a little stage for what will be an interesting 2010 election year. The Democrats are talking about trying to keep their 60 seat majority in the Senate. Um, I got the under. And not just because of these 2 guys departing either. People vote with their pocketbooks. Not gay marriage, not war, not who gives the best speeches. How's your pocketbook? Right. Senators Dodd and Dorgan enjoy your $1mm+ a year private sector jobs. Assclowns.

Look! Stocks Are Up!!

To quote the late great Francis Sinatra, "Happy New Year and all that othah mutha jazz". A new year yes but not much of a change. Meaning stocks keep going one way. And it ain't down. Forgive me for my tardiness but I was still thawing out from watching the NY (really NJ) Jets beat up the Cincinnati Bengals last frigid evening. It was the last game in Giants Stadium. Oh the irony of it all. It was a bit emotional as I was "hugging it out" with the folks in my section for perhaps the last time. We aren't going to be sitting together next year and some of us might not being sitting there at all. You see after 26 years, the Jets and Giants decided to build a new stadium on the public's dime. Yeah I know. I know. It was "privately funded". However ask those "private funders" how their investment is going since they tried to pass the cost onto unsuspecting existing season ticket holders or anyone else who wants to buy (i.e. the public), and I do mean anyone. But alas that's for another discussion.

 

It did get me to thinking about a similar problem that we have been alerting you about for awhile though; the Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities (CMBS) debacle. Since it is 2010 and people have been brushing problems under the rug for at least 3 years now, we wanted to remind you that billions and billions of dollars of CMBS "stuff" is maturing this year. When people don't pay back their debts when they are scheduled to do so, that is called a "default" and could lead to a "bankruptcy." Catching my drift?

 

Well the quote of the day came from some article I read on bloomberg.com today (sorry bloomberg.com people, I cant find the article again to give proper credit and my fingers are still frozen together). Well they were talking about a rally in CMBS and RMBS (residential) last year and whether or not it can be sustainable this year. A fund manager named Bill Eigen said he bought CMBS and RMBS early last year, sold it at a profit, and is now shorting the stuff. His nice quote was, "PPIP is not going to fill up buildings." Here here brother! What that translates to is that it doesnt matter what cockemamie (technical term) scheme with funny acronyms the government comes up with to prop up these markets, if people aren't paying rent in the buildings, those buildings are going B-U-S-T bust, bust, bust!

 

So tread lightly when jumping "all in" to markets during the 2010 "new year of hope".

Also if you have time, now that the Jets made the playoffs, call 1-800-469-JETS and see if you can get seats ANYWHERE you want in the new stadium next year. They should be sold out right? Uh huh. Oh and if you do decide to buy tickets, please drop my name. I think there is a referral program where I get a free hot dog or something if you do buy. I'll split it with you. Now I'm going to light myself on fire to really thaw out.